Enough of the Fat Shaming


I urge you not to go down the rabbit hole on YouTube of searching for Fat Shaming I was saddened and appalled that the majority that came up on the first page were Pro Fat Shaming

It is NEVER OK TO BULLY BELITTLE OR SHAME SOMEONE

 

I chose not to watch the videos, instead I chose to post my Own on Fat Shaming and body shaming not being ok

Please go watch it and if you like it, it would be a great help if you clicked the Like button

 

and even better if you could Subscribe to my Vlog it is a mixed bag of the things I really love

 

Posted in Heavenly Musings | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Time to stop Hating on things.


Not sure when it became acceptable but it really needs to stop.

 

Please like the vlog if you would like to see more of my Musings on Video.

 

And please if you are a subscriber here pop over to YouTube and subscribe to my Channel it would be super appreciated

 

Posted in Heavenly Musings | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Moving more towards Vlogs


Hi Every Amazing one of you,

I know I have been so hit and miss with this over the last few years in part that is due to some mental health stuff which seemed to kicked up several notches since I broke my leg 4 years ago.

 

So in that vein I am moving towards a Vlog or Video blog.

 

Along with that comes a New Once a Month Ask Amanda Similar to the column I used to write for Goddess Magazine where I create an event on my Amanda Christina Psychic Fan Page where as long as you are a fan of the page you can ask a question either via Private Message or on the event page. You are free to ask to remain Anonymous however I will only ever use First Names or last initial in the case of two people with the Same Name.

I am hoping later in the year to Launch a Patreon and when I do my Patrons will be the first ones able to Ask questions for the Ask Amanda Vlogs.

 

As well As Ask Amanda, I will be doing Vlogs on the kind of things I would normally post here along with Craft tutorials, Happy Mail and Haul vids and also possibly some cooking videos.

 

So bacially my Channel is going to be me doing all the things I love and sharing them. I am not a professional at this but I do find it easier currently to actually do a vlog rather than typing my thoughts out though be prepared for rambling.

 

I really hope you will all click the Youtube button and Subscribe to my Channel as it would mean a great deal to me for you all to share in the journey with me as we always have

 

Till next we meet on life’s journey may you live your life with passion

 

In Love and Light

 

Amanda

Posted in Heavenly Musings | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Losing my Mind (or why I stopped taking Lamictal)


 

 

The last 9 days of my life have been hell, and that feels like an understatement.

 

Why is it the Chemicals that are supposed to help us, come with such huge glaring side effects that actually for some make the experience of taking them so so so much worse than the illness itself.

 

It amazes me that the side effect of most Depression Medication is actually depression.

 

I was having great results on the Organic Turmeric, Ginger and Black Pepper Capsules in fact it was a noticeable Difference not only in my Mood, but also my Arthritis and my Cholesterol came back not even slightly elevated for the first time in a very long time (I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome both my Cholesterol and Blood sugars usually present as slightly elevated NOTE NOT DIABETIC)

 

First came the Belligerence, the easy to get worked up, ranty and pissed off over the slightest thing that would normally not affect me so badly.

To the Point even my Partners in Recovery Person noticed the change as did my Dr.

 

Then came other things like the swollen throat, the asthma and allergies going through the roof.

 

The was the added element of high anxiety.

Maybe it is just the time of year I rationalised as I almost burst into tears for no apparent reason.

 

I will keep going because on two pills it is supposed to get better.

 

Have you ever seen the Simpsons Episode where Homer Makes Bart a Clown bed and Bart is sitting near the wall rocking back and forth saying ‘Can’t sleep clown will eat me’ that is a lot how I have felt most of the time on this medication.

There was the Day I ate a whole caramel Mud cake in two goes (part of Bi Polar 2 comes with impulse control). The Kicker I am really not a fan of Caramel Mud cake. I did not even understand why I was doing it when I was doing it. But at the same time was powerless to stop myself. Even as I was thinking this is crazy, you don’t even like Caramel Mud cake.

 

Any small amount of stress had me rocking back and forth (it is something that happens from time to time but this was at an elevated level)
The wonky balance (and I mean wonkier than normal) had me fearful of another fall.

Then there is the constant (only goes away when I sleep) weird light dancing out of the corner of my right eye. That one kind of drives me nuts  cause no matter how much I wiped my eyes, or tried to get rid of it, it is always there, even sometimes with my eyes closed.

 

The foggy brain that was like I was not really anywhere and the echoey voice thing in my head (usually only happens when I have a migraine you know the one where your voice sounds both distant and all echoey?)

 

All that is enough to deal with but then came the bad thoughts. The ones soo unlike me I could not put voice to them. The kind of dark place, that while I have had one or two thoughts of if I could stop breathing all this madness could end over the years, but usually only very briefly and in moments of extreme stress.

 

The no one needs you to be here thoughts. The world would be better off without you ones. The final straw for me the one that really broke the Camel’s back was coming home from my Sisters last night after a Lovely Dinner she cooked for me, and having a really wonderful time to sitting in a taxi on my way home coming down the street next to mine, hoping there was someone waiting to kill me before I even got in the front door.

Followed by getting home, laying on my bed and bawling my eyes out for 2hrs. Partially with Disappointment…

 

Partially with thoughts of no one would even notice if I was gone.

 

As a Bawled my eyes out I was talking to a friend on fb, not really about the effects of the mood stabilisers just about random stuff and that is when I decided I cannot do this anymore.

This drug is messing with me in such a way that I am scared, scared of what upping the dose may push me to do

Scared that if I keep taking it the Dark places it was taking me too would get worse.

Scared that I might give in to the Darkness.

 

And whilst life is not a bucket of fun and Laughs atm, I still have loads to deal with I do want to be here.

 

There are projects I want to complete, Family and friends I love dearly and have no wish to vanish from their lives.

And so much yet to be done.

For me the Choice is easy I choose me, I  choose my Sanity.

 

I am not saying that the Drugs do not work, this one in particular just does not work for me.

 

There are other things like swinging between extreme moods, hating to craft (which if you read this or my craft blog you know is what actually helps keep me sane), Having a huge panic attack getting out of the shower to the point it took me about half an hour to calm down.

 

It is not a pretty picture, but it is part of my Journey with Bi Polar 2.

As I type this I still have the drug in my System, I am still a hairsbreadth away from bawling my eyes out, and yes I have been as I type this journey out.
I have a Dr’s Appointment thurs if I can get Community transport. But deep in my gut, deep in my intuition which had me terrified of even trying this Drug I know it is the right choice.

And that is a good part of the battle.

 

Till next we meet on life’s journey do not be afraid to ask questions and seek alternatives. As they say in The Hunting of the Snark “Try all that you know and all that you don’t, Not a chance must be wasted today”

 

In Love and Light

Amanda

Posted in Heavenly Musings | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Another Diagnosis


So I have been sitting on something for a while now, about two months. A lot of people in my world know about it but not everyone.

So rather than having to explain it to lots of people over and over which is exhausting and energy I just do not possess and because I have always been 100% honest on my blog which I have been sorely neglecting the last couple of years. I am going to talk about it here.

I was diagnosed with Bi Polar 2. Read this wiki link to find out more about it and the differences between the two some are subtle some are huge https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bipolar_II_disorder

This came as a shock to me I truly expected to be diagnosed with  what I already knew Social Anxiety, Depression and possibly PTSD.

To be honest I am still wrapping my head around what it means for me. It has certainly made some things much clearer and given me a greater understanding of my life as a whole and my path in life.

Of why things have not always gone on a normal path for me.

Interestingly Art Therapy is one of the top ways of Dealing with Bi Polar 2 and as someone who is a passionate crafter I often say creativity is the air that I breathe.

Though my creativity is down a lot this year, I know it helps me at times to focus and also to get through the darkness.

Now I know why I go quiet, I am overwhelmed, or need time out from everyday life and interactions room to rest and recover and that is ok. There is nothing wrong with needing time for ourselves.

I can see the progression, I can see when it got worse and then worse again when I sunk deeper and deeper. But when I talk to the people who know about it there is so much confusion. I hear a lot of “there is a Bi Polar 2” what is the difference.

I wish I could tell you lots of them, you get longer periods of depression, you have Hyper mania instead of Mania, there are commonalities as well.

You struggle with impulse control (might be one reasons sometimes I say what I think and have also done so not sure if that is a good or bad thing)

This is not something I chose, it is not a path I would honestly wish on anyone. I have googled a lot since diagnosed and honestly am not much clearer than before I started.

It is a lot to wrap your head around and honestly the information out there can be a bit complex and not very straight forward.

However I now need to choose if I take the path of medication, I told my Dr and Shrink I would try it but I am wary after the Metaformin incident that sent my health spiralling backwards for 2 full years and even now I am still trying to pull myself out of that spiral of sucky bad health.

There are also natural things I can do, but you need a budget for that that atm I just do not have.

Honestly I am still wrapping my head around it and what changes I need to make to help myself cope and deal with this all.

The thing I find hardest is letting people in when I am in the bad places, and it is important to have people around who can say hey you don’t seem ok etc. Even though you do not want to hear it.
So this is another part of my journey that I am embarking on. It puts my life in perspective in a whole new way but it also sheds light on other things.

I have always been deeply spiritual but I find that the Self Help gurus have a very simplistic approach to Mental Illness the whole change your thoughts change your life philosophy is not a blanket cure.

Yes it helps to think positively but when something shifts in your brain and no matter how hard you want to you just can’t, when life is just barely scraping by and going through the motions a positive thought might help for a moments respite if you can muster the strength or energy but it is by no means a cure all.

People with mental illness cannot always choose their thoughts. If we could we would choose to be well!! We would choose to have a normal life, not periods of blackness and of feeling like we are swirling through a foggy mind numbing sometimes painfully torturous vortex.

I will as always when I can share my journey with you and keep doing research and trying to figure out what this not only means for me but what I can do to help myself through this into a more normal sort of life.

Big Hugs to you all

Till next we meet on life’s journey please take some time out for  yourself and look after you.

In Love and Light

Amanda

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Goodbye


How do I begin to fathom your gone?

How do any of us?

How can you explain to someone who did not know you, just how much brighter you made the world?

How you turned the mundane, the everyday into extraordinary adventures?

How your updates, posts and conversations would light people up?

How do you begin to express in mere words the Amazing, humbling, awe inspiring gift of your Presence?

Of just how much you inspired others.?

I cannot believe we were only in each other’s lives for just under 5 years. It feels way way to short to have known you. We never even got to meet in person but you touched my life in such deep profound ways.

I remember when we first talked when you pm’d me asking for a reading how wary I was. How all you saw were brick walls surrounding you, with no way out.

Not only did you survive an abusive childhood, bullying brother, and abusive marriage but you chose to grow and thrive to forgive and move forward.

You always joked you should write a book 27 bra’s an a Tiara, because that is what you left with. In the midst of a Hurricane, you were left without power, food or anything else

you were already lining up your Ducks as you used to say ‘Getting all my ducks in a row’

Wonton was already with your father and your grandma.

How brave you were, how in some ways you traded one prison for another and yet still you shone brighter than any star.

Your courage oh your amazing courage. You would often say you felt week on the down days, when you were struggling to make sense of the crappy hand life had dealt you.

You were anything but weak.

How you shared every struggle every bit of hard won growth with us all through fb and your blog.

How even in the darkest of times you found joy in every little blessing no matter how small it was a roof over your head, friends who really cared, silly bits of happy mail in the guise of box-a-lopes that winged their way across the ocean to you from the land down under and were treasured and looked forward to.

How you wanted to find love and get kissed madly passionately deeply at the top of the Eiffel tower.

How you wished you could have had children of your own, and loved your fur babies the same way.

How you would cook amazing things, and tell stories of your Italian heritage and where you learned to make certain dishes.

How you would tell me stories of your life and I would be transported into your past right along with you.

How you could be having a horrible day or time of things, pop onto face book and there you would be with an anecdote, or creating a laugh along till you cry moment out of the heartbreak and misery that was sometimes your life.

How you broke free

How you created a home for you, Wonton, Lotus and Sequin.

How even if we had not talked in ages we would talk like old friends because it always felt like we were that.

How you lit up the Universe with your light, your wisdom and love.

How the darkness was always brighter with you in our lives.

Truly how do you begin to express all of that in mere words…

A radiant light whose wisdom, and whose personal journey resonated with so so so many people. Who were able to face their problems because you were there to hold our hands.

Who taught us the value of letting the people we love know they are loved. That your loosing people in 9/11 had such a profound effect you would never forget to tell those you cared about they were loved. A practice I will always continue and that started in my life because of you.

How do we fathom a world without your light, your beauty and your radiance in it?

You will never be forgotten because you touched to many lives for any of us to forget a piece of you will always live within our hearts just as you took a piece of each of us with you to the other side.

RIP Lainey, your earthly vessel may be gone but your light will shine brightly ever on.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Keep Swimming


Inspired by something written on a friends wall (and yes I know it has been a while)

Keep Swimming

you have to swim through the storm

you have to dance in the rain

you have to flow with the tides

until you find your way

 

Troubles come and go

Fears get left behind

Feelings change day by day

and you will find your way

 

You may fear you are drowning

You may feel bleeding and broken

You may feel lost and afraid

 

but if you remember

a simple phrase that is true

 

this too shall pass

and so it shall pass for you

 

You may not see it

you may try to run away

but even in the darkness

the light will find a way

 

just like a flower that springs up through the pavement

or a gem buried away

you too will find your way.

 

ACM  8/10/14

Posted in Poetry | Tagged , , | Leave a comment