The last 9 days of my life have been hell, and that feels like an understatement.
Why is it the Chemicals that are supposed to help us, come with such huge glaring side effects that actually for some make the experience of taking them so so so much worse than the illness itself.
It amazes me that the side effect of most Depression Medication is actually depression.
I was having great results on the Organic Turmeric, Ginger and Black Pepper Capsules in fact it was a noticeable Difference not only in my Mood, but also my Arthritis and my Cholesterol came back not even slightly elevated for the first time in a very long time (I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome both my Cholesterol and Blood sugars usually present as slightly elevated NOTE NOT DIABETIC)
First came the Belligerence, the easy to get worked up, ranty and pissed off over the slightest thing that would normally not affect me so badly.
To the Point even my Partners in Recovery Person noticed the change as did my Dr.
Then came other things like the swollen throat, the asthma and allergies going through the roof.
The was the added element of high anxiety.
Maybe it is just the time of year I rationalised as I almost burst into tears for no apparent reason.
I will keep going because on two pills it is supposed to get better.
Have you ever seen the Simpsons Episode where Homer Makes Bart a Clown bed and Bart is sitting near the wall rocking back and forth saying ‘Can’t sleep clown will eat me’ that is a lot how I have felt most of the time on this medication.
There was the Day I ate a whole caramel Mud cake in two goes (part of Bi Polar 2 comes with impulse control). The Kicker I am really not a fan of Caramel Mud cake. I did not even understand why I was doing it when I was doing it. But at the same time was powerless to stop myself. Even as I was thinking this is crazy, you don’t even like Caramel Mud cake.
Any small amount of stress had me rocking back and forth (it is something that happens from time to time but this was at an elevated level)
The wonky balance (and I mean wonkier than normal) had me fearful of another fall.
Then there is the constant (only goes away when I sleep) weird light dancing out of the corner of my right eye. That one kind of drives me nuts cause no matter how much I wiped my eyes, or tried to get rid of it, it is always there, even sometimes with my eyes closed.
The foggy brain that was like I was not really anywhere and the echoey voice thing in my head (usually only happens when I have a migraine you know the one where your voice sounds both distant and all echoey?)
All that is enough to deal with but then came the bad thoughts. The ones soo unlike me I could not put voice to them. The kind of dark place, that while I have had one or two thoughts of if I could stop breathing all this madness could end over the years, but usually only very briefly and in moments of extreme stress.
The no one needs you to be here thoughts. The world would be better off without you ones. The final straw for me the one that really broke the Camel’s back was coming home from my Sisters last night after a Lovely Dinner she cooked for me, and having a really wonderful time to sitting in a taxi on my way home coming down the street next to mine, hoping there was someone waiting to kill me before I even got in the front door.
Followed by getting home, laying on my bed and bawling my eyes out for 2hrs. Partially with Disappointment…
Partially with thoughts of no one would even notice if I was gone.
As a Bawled my eyes out I was talking to a friend on fb, not really about the effects of the mood stabilisers just about random stuff and that is when I decided I cannot do this anymore.
This drug is messing with me in such a way that I am scared, scared of what upping the dose may push me to do
Scared that if I keep taking it the Dark places it was taking me too would get worse.
Scared that I might give in to the Darkness.
And whilst life is not a bucket of fun and Laughs atm, I still have loads to deal with I do want to be here.
There are projects I want to complete, Family and friends I love dearly and have no wish to vanish from their lives.
And so much yet to be done.
For me the Choice is easy I choose me, I choose my Sanity.
I am not saying that the Drugs do not work, this one in particular just does not work for me.
There are other things like swinging between extreme moods, hating to craft (which if you read this or my craft blog you know is what actually helps keep me sane), Having a huge panic attack getting out of the shower to the point it took me about half an hour to calm down.
It is not a pretty picture, but it is part of my Journey with Bi Polar 2.
As I type this I still have the drug in my System, I am still a hairsbreadth away from bawling my eyes out, and yes I have been as I type this journey out.
I have a Dr’s Appointment thurs if I can get Community transport. But deep in my gut, deep in my intuition which had me terrified of even trying this Drug I know it is the right choice.
And that is a good part of the battle.
Till next we meet on life’s journey do not be afraid to ask questions and seek alternatives. As they say in The Hunting of the Snark “Try all that you know and all that you don’t, Not a chance must be wasted today”
In Love and Light