It’s been in short a hell of a year. My microwave died prior to my fateful Sydney trip, I came home to a toaster oven and turbo oven that died and without a heater. (thank goodness for an amazing friend and some early birthday and Christmas presents)I know that I am strong; the universe seems intent on testing me though. Some day’s I feel like I should just let everything fall to pieces, then I remember that if I do that I will just have to pick them up again and honestly being bitch slapped back down from every angle repeatedly is exhausting but now it is time to fight through and work on the things I know I need to change. Recent events have left me wondering. Why put someone in my path that for the first time in my life I have no defences against, can hold nothing back, have a rare and unique connection to, only to snatch it away?
Whilst my heart can see no rhyme and reason and I keep hearing that it is the universes way of showing me what I can have. It does not make it any less painful and in some ways I do not know how to reclaim my heart and soul. What I have learnt about myself is this however. As much as I want to rant and rave and beg to be the one he chooses. I can’t! It won’t change how he is feeling or where he is at in life. So if anything it has shown me how much I have grown spiritually, that I had moments that I am not proud of taught me yet again that some day’s we all fail at the not buying into other peoples drama and that when I am strung out I do dumb things just like everyone else. On the up side as soon as I realised that I did appologise. The overall feeling is that I spoke my truth and I spoke from the heart. I genuinely hope the man in question overcomes his fears and the things that paralyse him and weigh him down. Whilst the way it all went down was crazy and not the best. My love has always been so unconditional with this man that if I cannot make him happy I want to make sure he has the love and life that he needs for his happiness. I know right yeah I amaze myself some days and I know that it will still hurt like hell. So now the task of transforming and letting this become a friendship, mind you I also have very high standards for the friends in my life. I don’t believe in settling for second best and fair weather friends are of no interest to me. I have always believed it is better to have no friends than the fair weather, energy draining or brick wall people in my life.
The thing I have been learning in the last few years is that even though I have a healing giving nature there are times that I cannot help people through the obstacles in their path. Sometimes you have to let people learn their own lessons. This is the hardest thing I have ever walked through, harder than dealing with a broken leg alone, and in some ways more painful. You cannot take anything to heal a heart that feels like it has been shattered into a million pieces. How do you go from being his to being nothing?
It is really interesting how things in our life parallel what we are watching or reading at times. I watched this week’s epp of Dr Who (the dollhouse one) I am not going to spoil it for those who have as yet to see it. But what struck me as I watched it online (my TV died over a week ago and I have decided to live without one for the moment) is the theme of this episode. How small fears become magnified in our mind and that we are the only ones who can confront and stare down those fears. In fact from what I have seen it seems to be the theme of the whole season. So inspired by Dr Who and the fact that I know my life cannot continue on its current path. I am focusing on confronting any fears I have and dealing with my life head on.
It occurred to me that I only blog when I feel like I can inspire others, or have joyful things to share and that I tend to not want to share the hard parts of life’s journey at times. A friend and I were talking and he made me think about this so I have decided to share all the parts of what is happening around me rather than the select inspirational bits.
Being spiritual, seemingly wise and who I am doesn’t mean that life is an easy journey. What amazes me is that often because of this I am held to different standards to other people. Somehow expected to be resilient and able to cope with a never ending barrage of the things life has thrown at me the last 10 years. I hurt, I cry, I laugh through the tears. I have amazing friends who boost me up, distract me from the pain, and tell me how amazing I am and how much I am loved. I know that I don’t have them around me in the real world yet distance is a bitch and I have known since I moved to Nowra that it was a temporary move and yet here I am almost 7 years later still here and still without a circle of close friends to hang out with. Sometimes it’s a lonely life and the only way I get through that is not only my online and real life friends who are at a distance but through my creativity and other such endeavours.
This year however is the first year in about 5 or 6 years that I will not be doing a bear show next month and that has left me feeling somewhat lost. In a time I would be scrambling to make bears and be in a manic creative whirl I find myself lost and without a project so to speak. I think that has been the theme of this year really. I find myself floundering trying to find my way and just when I think I may have found an answer the rug gets pulled out from under me and I am back at square one. (Hmm somehow the theme of quite a few years) Sometimes it is a good thing in the case of the FA I met earlier in the year that led to my breaking of my leg. He wasn’t good for me as a friend or relationship. This I knew and I felt it even before we met but he had booked his flight and paid for accommodation I felt I had no choice but to meet him. I am still recovering from the leg thing; my energy levels are shot after 6 months of barely doing anything and only leaving the house for Drs Appointments and the like. As for the recent relationship I cannot pretend I am not gutted that he made the decision he did. Being a Libran and being me the problem is I can see it from his side as well. So when we talked I said what I had to, but also tried to put myself in his shoes and see his side. He isn’t ready. Maybe neither am I. I truly do not have answers to this puzzle. What I can do is pull myself up, dust myself off, and work on changing my life. It may only be in small ways at present. Getting on top of the cleaning that seems to fall further and further behind every time I get sick. Figure out where I want to be. Find work that will pay me. I love writing for Goddess magazine and am hoping in time I may find a way to get paid for writing as well as expanding my readings and my craft stuff. All I need is a spiffy website (which we all know I have no knack for whatsoever) and a lot of luck and support from friends and who knows what miracles we can create.
It is clear to me that I may never fully understand the whys and wherefores of what happened. That I may never meet someone who has the same impact on me or my body, mind and soul. Nor can I trap myself into either that thinking nor the glimmer of hope that one day maybe it will be our time. You can spend a lifetime wishing away your life waiting for it to change or you can change it. Whilst the universe seems in no hurry to help me find my path again. I will choose to focus on the things I can do. I will continue to be loved and supported by my angels both in real life and in spirit. I will continue to be an obsessed starkid fan (watching avpm and avps is the only way I seem to be able to eat at present) go here to discover this talented group of people http://www.youtube.com/user/StarKidPotter. I will continue to shed tears; I will in short still chop wood and carry water. The old eastern saying before enlightenment chop wood carry water, after enlightenment chop wood carry water. Is still true. I will do this with as much grace, humour and positive energy I can muster and on the days where the pain is to great or feels insurmountable I will rely on starkid and my amazing friends to help me through. In the meantime, I doubt you will read this but if you do. I set you free. My love goes with you. I wish you the very best life has to offer and I truly hope you find your way through your daemons because the man you are is nothing short of amazing even if you don’t believe or see that yet. My friendship is yours. That is all I can give you for now because this will take me time. I have tears streaming down my face and find it hard to find words to explain what has happened or how I am feeling. I will miss you as my boyfriend, my partner the man who makes my heart and soul sing for joy, however you feeling trapped and pressured I cannot bear to be the person who did that to you. Please look after yourself and do what you need to for you.
That is all I have to say on this for now it all goes in the to hard basket, because I am already sick of crying, of feeling like a crazy teenager, and of waiting for things around me to change. So for now I will do all I can to work on myself and my life and let myself heal.
To my wonderful supportive friends, Julie I love you princess sexypants you make me laugh, you get angry for me and you love me unconditionally. To Lainey who is also going through one of the hardest times in her life I am here for you just as you are for me, thank you for putting your feelings aside for just a little while to help me it means more than you can ever realise. To Mr Fish thank you for providing light entertainment, distraction and a big comforting shoulder to lean on. To Steve thank you for your friendship, support and words of encouragement as well as often interesting and varied conversations that often teach me much I have yet to delve into. To Anna thank you for being a voice of reason amid the chaos, the kind of friend who may not talk for ages but who is always there in my darkest hours when I truly need you. To Catherine thank you for being a shoulder, a calming guiding influence through this stormy sea. To you know who, you showed me what love can be like, and as much as at the moment I wish I had never met you I thank you for showing me what is possible. And to anyone else who is helping me through this moment THANK YOU!
Till next we meet along life’s journey may your road be a little smoother and your friends all be as wonderful as mine are, may you be told daily how amazing you are and how much you are loved
In love and light