Sometimes I wonder how I came to be in this place. My faith in Men is shaken. I have a hard time taking anyone at face value or as whom they say they are. I never used to be this way. Always the person who believed in giving everyone a chance until they proved they did not deserve it rather than the other way around.
What has happened to shake my faith so much? A string of internet men who are not remotely who they say they are. But mostly having my heart ripped out and shattered last year.
My hope has been that whoever is right for me would see past any of that and have patience. What if instead I am wrong and I blow it just by assuming he is like the males that do nothing to promote a liking of their gender?
I know some amazing men. I truly do. Should that not then in turn give me hope and turn my cynicism into dust?
I have no wish to allow the sins of the past to effect my present. But what if they are? What if I just threw something away that could have been amazing, with a few careless throw away words.
For some reason in recent times I have been feeling like I am failing life’s tests. Not sure why or how but sometimes I most certainly feel like I am.
My normally very open, honest self still feels a little bruised and beaten down.
And yet there is always hope. I have never truly fully given up on Love or the things I want; just find them a little harder to picture some day’s more than others.
I am always curious about what if’s at times. I know you cannot live in the land of what if’s it does not do to dwell there because we drag ourselves down when we do.
Although one has to wonder at when being able to apologise for a mistake can be considered a lack of confidence. I think it takes extreme confidence to give a heartfelt apology and admit when we are wrong. Rather than it being a lack of confidence.
Life is interesting to say the least. Anyone who knows me or who follows my blog knows that in my life it seems to be feast or famine be it for good or ill. The eternal Libran in me seems to struggle with this always wanting more balance.
The more I know and learn the more I feel that I know less than I ever did. Is this the curse of the spiritual journey? To realise that no matter how much you seek there is always another lesson?
Just once I would like to be one of those people who were not destined to learn the hard way. Seriously 37 years is enough. It should be time to enjoy what I know. To continue as always to share whatever wisdom I have gained (someday I truly do not think it is much and yes I can laugh at myself while I write this)
Sometimes I am not sure how I would get through life if I could not laugh at myself or see the funny side of the things that happen.
Let’s face it Last year saw me Break my leg without a great story to go with it, find myself in the midst of teen dramady of the Highest Hollywood standards, and kill far too many appliances to name.
So far this year well has seen some ups and downs. I have to wonder what 2012 has in store for me.
Will it be good or bad? Will I be able to still find the humour in it? Will my faith be restored?
Perhaps it isn’t my faith in Men that has been shaken so much as my faith in myself and my ability to make good decisions. Especially where men are concerned.
My track record is hardly stellar that is for sure. Yet I can see how much I have grown from each of the experiences I have gone through.
So again there is always hope. Especially the hope that I have grown enough to recognise a good man from a bad one.
If you are a man reading this please Do as you say you will, keep your promises, be who you say you are, treat the people in your life with kindness, love and respect, and if you don’t already learn to communicate well. It seems so simple and I know there are women in the world who need to do these things as well.
Funny I was floundering this week wondering what I would write my blog on and here the universe is providing me with what I need. Further proof of ask and ye shall receive. A million dollars would be nice Universe. Or at least a large chunk of stuff off my craft wish list. Mostly the Graphic 45 stuff I have been drooling over but anyway.
Sometimes writing things out is the best way for me to sort them out in my head and also sometimes when I do they melt away into the dust.
Life is a wonderfully strange journey some days. I have renewed hope and a wish that the right path will present itself to me. Hopefully not to far way.
Till next we meet on life’s journey may your adventures of the heart be good ones, and may you not have to repeat the life lessons you have already learnt.
In Love and Light