I want you for a moment just a moment or two to imagine that you are an SSBBW and you have been since a teenager. Imagine that you suddenly start getting sick all the time. Starting with big weepy cellulitus ulcers all over your legs, that you go to four sepperate Dr’s trying to figure out what is wrong. That not one of them diagnoses whats actually the problem instead telling you your just fat and that is why you are sick. Previous to this you had been healthy, and only ever suffered with colds and flues and allergies and the odd virus.
Now imagine walking around with swollen feet that do not fit into shoes, and bandages on your legs until the first bout of cellulitus is healed (around 6months not even counting the toll it takes on your body), treading on a sewing needle and it all starting again landing you in hospital for over 2 weeks and the other 3months it took to completely heal leaving a scar around your right ankle.
That is where I was 10 years ago the start of the ill health, the start of the chronic insomnia, the start of the battle with Dr’s and the knowing that there was something more than just my weight wrong with my body.
10 years, more Dr’s than I can count, and a constant battle to say no I am not just fat and lazy there is something wrong I know it I feel it why won’t you hear what I am saying?
Why will you only ever treat the current symptoms and not help me get to the bottom of this?
Why wont you listen when I say I am 38 years old and I forget things and not just for a moment it can be weeks before I remember a simple thing like I wanted to clean my room today.
Why wont you help me find out why I can’t sleep?
Why do you see it all as depression and size related?
Why do you not treat me like you would treat any other patient?
Why wont you listen when I say I shake and its not normal?
Why wont you hear me when I say I have to actually focus at times on walking and making sure my feet actually walk the way they are supposed to?
10 years, and Last year was the darkest because I broke my leg, and yet again just another thing I had to deal with and endure on my own.
The sun came out earlier this month.
I found the light at the end of what has been a very very long dark tunnel for me.
It was surprising and liberating and somewhat freeing to know this was not all in my head. That I had finally found the person who knew exactly what steps needed to be taken.
It came from a very unexpected source. You see I have never officially been diagnosed with depression and my Councellor by law is not allowed to diagnose me so off to Woolongong with her I went to see a Psychiatrist. I was terrified. I already have the labels of psychic, fat, etc I was not sure I wanted this label. It would just be one more obstical one more thing to battle and fight in my life.
The good news for me is that my Depression is related to my health and the last 10 years of just basically a never ending barrage of crappy things happening. I am one of the lucky ones. Mine will come to an end at some point. Not to say I wont still have blue periods or moments but that over all I do not need to be put on medication, have to struggle with depression long term.
To say I was amazed at meeting the Psychiatrist and having him turn out to not only be knowledgable but also know who to send me to to find out exactly what is happening with my body and why is an understatement.
Yes it is only the first step, yes there are more steps to go, more Dr’s and specialists to see. But someone looked at me and said no your not just fat and lazy and we need to get to the bottom of all this so you can know what its like to have energy again, so you can get back to having a normal life. Because 10 years is just to long.
I wanted to weep with Joy, to hug him. He will never know how much his words meant. When you are at a point where even family, friends and significant others at times have all thought or indicated they think your just fat and lazy, when you know there is more to the story but no matter how many times you explain it eventually falls on deaf ears. Having someone say no you are right something is fundamentally wrong with your body and we need to find out what and I know exactly who you need to see so we can find out. Is like the sun comming out after the darkest stormiest of nights.
My councellor Barbara said I walked out of that room lighter, that I looked like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. In a sense it had. Because somedays in my darkest moments I had started to believe maybe I was just fat and lazy. Maybe all this is my own doing, maybe I am so fatally flawed. Not all the time but the thoughts were there and to have it be confirmed that I wasn’t that I had been right all along re myself was just a burden lifted.
As we walked out into the beautiful sunny day. A huge black and orange butterfly almost as big as my hand flew at us and soared off over our heads.
Butterflies are a sign of transformation and To me there could be no more perfect symbol for where I know my life is headed in the new year.
There is a feeling of great change comming in the world at present. A feeling of good things starting to blossom for those who have been wishing and waiting for so long. But only if we do the work and put in the effort.
I so hope that for all of you you find the light, you find your way through whatever darkness is hindering your life and that most of all you remember you are Amazing, loved and need to trust in yourself.
In Love and Light