Sometimes I withdraw, not deliberately, not because I want to isolate myself but because its what my body demands of me.
They are what I call my wonky days, almost impossible to describe the feeling, except to say I shake, I am extra clumsy and sometimes simple things like walking without an extremely concentrated effort eludes me.
I can’t handle long periods online, going out, or any of the things most people take for granted. It usually happens when I don’t eat properly, or if I am in a period of bad insomnia, push myself to do to much, or sometimes for no reason at all.
Its scary to not have control over your body in the normal ways, to know something is so fundamentally wrong but to have spent to many years arguing with Drs that at any size these things are not normal.
It is hard at these times for me to even do something mundane like fill up my water bottle, cook a meal, or spend time on the forums and places online I love.
It can be hard to focus. Hard to do a lot of anything at all and it can drive me nuts. Especially as this recent bout has already lasted a few days and shows no signs of wanting to vanish.
It is funny how much I used to take for granted.
House gets messy pull an all nighter to clean while listening to music, I wish my body simply wont let me do that anymore. The more I push the more infections, illness and shakey I become.
Finding the balance for me in these times is tricky. Sometimes you have to push. I live alone. I don’t have the support network or help to simply say I can’t. Because if I don’t then it just doesn’t happen. (And believe me that happens far to much for my liking).
So many people suffer similar things and go through similar fights. For me I know I want to know why and what this hidden enemy is that I am fighting. It seems the more I work at my health the more this stuff tries to derail me. Somedays it feels like a never ending battle.
So if you are one of my friends who wonders why sometimes I dissappear, why sometimes I don’t say or post much or why I go quiet this is why.
Because I simply can’t!
Every single thing I do takes energy that I often do not have, having to budget that energy to make sure I get to do simple things like eat, shower, and just get through the day often means there is little over to interact with others, its not a matter of being selfish and uncaring or a bad friend but the fact there is just no fuel there for me to utalise.
I remember a time when this was not who I was, it feels like a lifetime ago, before the nameless thing took hold. The me before this was full of life, both social and happy to just do my own thing, able to run around, do tons of walking and things that most of us take for granted.
I so hope you or no one you know ever has to know the heartache and pain of these kinds of days. If they do please treat them with kindness and love, take the time to talk to them, to perhaps make their day just a little easier.
Till next we meet on life’s journey
In Love and Light