Something has occured to me recently, one of those slow dawning moments. I no longer crave attention or approval from others.
I no longer jump up and down in the myriad of ways we are taught growing up to say look at me, look at what I am doing, look arn’t I a good girl.
I am ok with fading into the background, not in the it’s ok to ignore or mistreat me sense. But in the sense of I no longer have a little girl screaming inside of me that I need the attention and validation from others. I no longer need to dance around saying ‘Look at me’
It’s been a long journey and I am sure I will still have insecure days here and there as we are all bound to. However I have been learning to and suceeding in loving and validating myself.
I sometimes think that it is those people in the background, the ones we don’t always see or hear about that often have the greatest impacts on others lives.
To step out of the everyday gossip, bitchyness and backstabbing for me has been something I have always worked hard to eradicate. If there is any of it around me now I am truly not made aware of it by others and that is ok by me. I truly have no need or desire to know unless it is something that will help me grow or aid me on my spiritual journey.
I have also come to the realisation that though far from perfect my life is pretty darn good. I have a roof over my head, food on the table, wonderful amazing family and friends, I get to share my psychic gifts with the world. I get to be creative every single day and I get to interact with friends all over the world. I get to teach craft once a week.
Would I like more money rolling in?
Would I like to find the love of my life?
I trust that those things will happen for me. I am more open and ready for them than I have ever been in the past. My heart is fully healed, ready and open in a way it never truly has been before.
No longer a scared little girl waiting for everyone to leave her, yes there are still challenges ahead in relationships 38 years of having been pushed by circumstances to be fiercely independant is going to be hard to let someone in. To allow a Man to be Masculine to be my strength when I need it. I am sure he will be worth it. I am sure we will learn and grow together. After all life is a pretty magical journey when we allow it to be.
Something I have noticed in the last few days. I have stopped trying to do things. I have stopped pushing myself to get x x or y done and just allowed myself to flow with how I feel during my day.
And guess what??
I am accomplishing far more. The weight of expectation or of ugh I have to do this is not there.
I am forever quoting Yoda at a friend of mine re spirituality and communicating with his guides and Stephen I owe you a huge appology because it is one time I have just realised I have not always walked my talk.
“There is no try only do”
and it may have been in different aspects of life but I have to appolagise anyway because I was telling you to do something and was not always doing it myself.
That is one thing I have worked on and been pretty good at most of my life owning up to when I make a mistake or am wrong.
I have always been a bull in a china shop prefering to have it out, discuss the issues or deal with whatever arose as it happens rather than allowing anger and resentment to build.
I can only hope that the new Man whoever he may be is a good communicator as I know that is essential for a good strong relationship.
I have been stopping to smell the roses of late. Looking back on all that has lead me to where I am today.
Sometimes I get frustrated at what feels like a lack of progress health wise. Then I remember what it used to be like
My feet used to swell like footballs, to the point you could push down on the top of my foot with a finger and it would take a good 3-4 hrs for that dint to go away.
I used to get constant bouts of cellulitus, reallly bad ones.
Now my feet will swell but only in a very small way, even if I have been pushing myself.
Now when I get celulitus it is usually a small patch that heals relatively quickly.
Yes I am still getting a handle on the PCOS and insulin resistance thing.
However my diet is the best it’s ever been, I have cut sugar in my diet way back.
I bake muffins and make my own granola rather than buying pre made cereals and breakfast foods.
Most nights I cook a great nutritious style meal. ( or cook something that will just need reheating for a few nights)
Yes I still have junk type meals and food on occasion. But I know my body does not react well to long periods of this so I don’t do it as much as I used to. (by used to I mean well over 10 years ago)
I am letting go of old patterns both emotionally, mentally and diet wise that no longer serve me.
I am allowing myself to grow.
The funny thing is I used to say I have spent the last 10 years running away from Myself and my spiritual path.
What I did not expect to learn is that in doing that I actually ran into the most intense period of learning in my life.
Every relationship has something to teach you about yourself no matter how big or small.
Every person in your world is there for a reason if only to teach you to have greater compassion and understanding.
Love really is an amazing tool for transformation.
And my journey, well my journey feels like a new chapter is just beginning
Till Next we meet on life’s journey may you find your way to truly loving and appreciating the amazing being that you are!!
PS Forgive spelling errors its almost 1.30am and I am ready for bed!
In Love and Light