This year has been quite full on, mostly health wise but also emotionally.
It has been a year of letting go.
Letting go of people
Letting go of old ideas
Letting go of outdated ways I see myself
Letting go of old emotions and hurts.
It has been the year of letting go.
Some people you just need to let go of. An ex who wanted to be friends, mostly because he liked talking to me and having as he said at least one ‘nice’ (gosh how I dislike that word) friend. Who did not understand what it was to truly be a friend and so I did what I always do when pushed to that point I said I can’t do this anymore.
And watched the bridge finally once and for all burn behind me.
On the same day I made the decision one of the hardest I have had to do to let another friend out of my life. She was a good friend in some ways, always trying to give me money and buying me things I needed. But had no idea no matter how much I tried to explain it how truly disempowering that is to have your choices snatched from you. To have no say just be presented something as already Done.
This is just a small drop in the bucket, I am learning to set better boundaries in my relationships. Its something I have always struggled with. At one point I was pretty much made responsible for her emotional wellbeing, I am not equiped for such things and as those kinds of things do I found it spiraling me further and further into depression and weighting me down.
I needed to change the rules and to set much stronger boundaries, I am not just talking in little ways, this person though well meaning would sabotage me instead of saying I should go to appointments or spend time with my family if I said I was remotely not in the mood she would push me not to go. She would call and de rail me when I wanted to do things because a call from her could last hours and by the time we were done I had nothing left all I could do was curl up in bed and nap.
I say this not to put this person down or to say hey your a bad person but because this is the reasons why.
It all came to head through facebook pm’ s which amazed me as she so could easily have called me.
So I let it all go, I needed to do it for me, selfish perhaps and I am sure there are those who truly believe so but none the less I had to do what was best for my emotional well being.
I got a message not long ago, actually less than a week after my birthday, no happy birthday, no how are you, no I miss our friendship just a launch into the latest drama and a you were right about something I had said that I had long forgotten.
It showed me one thing I had made the right choice for me. I had spent many hours in the midst of other such dramas coaxing out info and getting to the bottom of it all so I always know there is more to the story.
I hold no ill will in my heart towards anyone, one of the greatest gifts I have been given in my life and have been learning in recent years is to have compassion and unconditional love for others.
I wish her the same she wished for me A wonderful life filled with all you could wish for.
I just can not be that doormat I used to be, nor can I be what I once was.
Sometimes the road ends and in my heart and soul I know our friendship had reached its expiry date.
More recently I had some people chose to remove themselves from my life. It is funny how much stuff I pick up and that sometimes filters through more slowly. I am so grateful that this happens in some ways because it helps me to see the why’s and hows.
No matter how much we grow we all will meet people who trigger us, and give us a chance to put into practice all we have learned along our journey and I am sure that this is what last weekend was about. (Will do a post about Dr Who and the BBW Bash at some point).
The Daily Love this week had a post about just that, and so much stuff has cropped up in my feed on facebook that I feel like I stepped into the right place at the right time. I am still not 100% sure why I had to go but I know I feel different since I have returned home.
What makes me happy is I had started to see these people’s true colours prior to the weekend, the events of the weekend just made it stand out more.
I am also glad that I am learning to recognise abusive behaviour patterns and such in more ways which is great because it means I am moving to a point where I will no longer accept them into my life.
This is huge for me, because the history of emotional abuse in my life is rampant. To know and recognise the signs of such things and be able to walk away, to be able to shut the door fully knowing 100% that once I saw the signs and trusted myself enough to understand what I was seeing I feel is a huge break through for me.
Yes this person fired the first shot so to speak but I closed the door fully no way back no return. Goodbye have a nice life, please learn to truly walk your talk.
Where I was staying at the weekend was flooded with memories for me and I truly believe the saying sometimes we need to go backwards to go forwards.
I was not stuck remembering the sad times but the good times, the amazing memories I have with people who are no longer a part of my life.
People who have let go of me and who I have let go of.
When it is right to let go it is an amazingly liberating experience like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders and you can really breathe again.
And so as I look at what I have let go of this year I also see what I have gained in so doing.
It does not make you a bad person to walk away. Sometimes that is the only option that is left to us.
It does not make you horrible if you burn your bridges behind you, sometimes we need to know there is no way back.
It does not make you selfish if you put yourself and your emotional wellbeing above others. Because in truth it makes us stronger and more able to serve.
Sometimes we outgrow ideas, any spiritual teacher will tell you this. One of the reasons I resonate so much with Wayne Dyer is because he says this outright what I believed yesterday may not be what I believe today.
And this year for me has been about letting go of old ideas, of lessons that are no longer serving who I am right now! In this very moment.
The hardest one for myself sometimes is letting go of who I used to be, especially before the ill health kicked in and the battle to find out what is going on kicked in.
The me that could do anything.
What this weekend taught me is whilst it is a slow road I am making progress back towards that, it may never ever be fully what I was because lets face it I have grown so much as a person in that time it never could be.
But I also learned I can handle so much more at times than even I imagine.
So many old emotions and fears have been bought to the surface this year, ones in all honesty I thought I had dealt with and moved on from.
It has been hard in places, left me in tears at times, left me frustrated and confused but I know it has all happened to help me let go.
In letting go we allow ourselves the courage to move forward without that baggage weighing us down.
I can not help but feel I am getting ready for something big, something exciting, something new but as yet have no idea what.
A lovely psychic friend of mine posted something about the energy of next year 2014 being about wishes coming true in unexpected ways.
I can not help think that being pushed to let go is making room for those wishes to come true.
For everything I have lost, or let go of this year I have gained so much more in terms of self knowledge, life lessons and amazing new friends who teach me so very very much about who I am and what I am worth.
Letting go takes courage, sometimes you have to walk through the fire and the flames and allow yourself to be reborn like the pheonix from the ashes.
As I dust myself off from the latest triggers I can not help but feel so very grateful for all that has happened
it has taught me so much and shown me how resiliant I truly am.
Tears dry, hurt fades, scars heal, but the lessons we learn along the way live with us forever should we so choose.
Yes I could chose to be bitter and hate filled with all that has happened but why would I choose such a sad destructive path for myself?
It would accomplish nothing and at the end of the day is not who I am.
Yes I had my moments of I have let myself down, of it hurting and of tears but through all of that (and I have noticed the more I tune in and the more I grow and learn the less personally I take these things and the easier they are to overcome) I have been so grateful to see peoples true colours.
To learn who I can trust and who I can not.
That is such a gift.
I am so truly lucky and blessed to have some of the most incredible people I have ever known or met in my life looking out for me, making sure they show me they care.
How amazingly lucky I am that they live all over the Australia and the World.
How wonderful that I can talk things out with them to find where the lessons lie and the rhyme and reason for things.
It is Thanksgiving weekend in the States at the moment and this week I have spent it being truly grateful for true friends.
For how much faster I learn the lessons now, for how much easier it becomes to spot the ‘false spirituals’ those who use spirituality to show how wonderful they are when instead it becomes a mask, a front, a way to suck others into their world.
For how I process things on so many levels at once that it can take days or even months for all the lessons to filter through.
I am grateful for so very much in my life, a roof over my head, good food on the table, incredible amazing loving wonderful brilliant friends who make me laugh, cry and who give as much as I do, who support me and give me wings when I feel I have lost mine and who inspire me everyday with who and what they are, for my creativity and passion for without them I would be very lost indeed and for each of you who read my blog and follow my journey and I hope gain a little wisdom along the way
I AM Grateful!
I feel so blessed, so loved and so happy to have all I do in my world.
Till next we meet on life’s journey May you be able to count your amazing blessings and see all the good you do reflected in those you surround yourself with.
In Love and Light